How to write product descriptions

I own a grand total of zero modular stage deck elements, which happens to be all I need, and even if I did need more, I would want to buy or rent them closer to home than California. This saddens me a bit because these guys' product descriptions are pure gold – they deserve my custom, but I have none to give them!

It seems they're using a website template that wants to have individual descriptions for each product, even if the product has very little individuality to it, leading to such gems as

4' x 3' stage decks are exactly the same size as a 3' x 4' stage deck.
It's amazing.

or (though excerpts cannot possibly capture the surreal beauty of the whole thing. It's like trying to photograph the horizon. Go read in it context, please!)

4' x 4' plexi stage decks are the not as heavy as the 4' x 8' plexi deck.

For some obscure reason, the quiet exasperation of these lines makes me absurdly happy. I can go to bed satisfied now. (Which, considering what seems to amuse me at this hour, must be high time).